So God has been teaching me a lot lately, and I thought I'd write about it. But whenever I blog, I feel like I should give an update on my life, especially since the last time I blogged was the last day of last year. So update on my life:
College is wonderful and going by way too quickly. I remain busy, but I suppose that is a good thing. I bought a Disneyland pass this semester! That has been a lot of fun; I've been 3 or 4 times since I got it, and I still don't think I've done everything yet. It's hard to find time to go between work and school (and I got the cheap pass, so I can't go on Saturdays or Sundays). But I don't regret buying it. :) I've been reading Shakespeare for class the past month (Hamlet, Macbeth, King Lear, Richard II, Henry IV parts 1 & 2, Henry V, A Midsummer Night's Dream, and The Tempest) and I have loved it! I'd only ever read King Lear and Romeo & Juliet before, but I am now a Shakespeare fan. I also read Beowulf for my Brit Lit class and I really loved it, too; so I've kind of been in a poetry-reading, old-English, old-fashioned literature mood of late. If that makes sense ;)
I tried sushi for the first time the other day. And actually liked it. I was really surprised! Haha, but I did get a non-spicy kind, and it had crab in it. I never thought I'd say that I like sushi, so it was a big moment for me. :)
My best friend Ashlyn is coming to visit me on Tuesday, and I am so excited! She's staying 'til Sunday, and it is missions conference week, so I don't have classes. I do have to go to conference stuff, but she can come with me, and I'll still have more time to hang out with her than I would if I had classes. It's gonna be great. :)
Now to what God has been teaching me:
At the beginning of this year, I made myself a goal to fail at something and be okay with it. I didn't know exactly what that something would be, but I made this goal because I am a perfectionist and worry too much about what other people think of me. My brain knows my family and friends will love me even if I mess up and make a fool of myself, but it's not something my heart knows. Therefore, wanting to change but not really knowing how, I made myself this goal, thinking it would occur with something Torrey-related (as in me saying something in session really stupid) or a bad grade in a class or something along those lines.
I was not expecting it to happen yesterday, at my piano recital.
But it did. I even got to practice on the piano I would use for the recital twenty minutes before the recital started, and I performed second in the program. I knew my piece; it wasn't even that long. But something threw me off towards the end. Most likely the fact that I was thinking now don't mess up at this next part, when I came upon the measure that I frequently had messed up on. So I messed up and couldn't get it back; my mind went completely blank, and I had to repeat the same section two more times before I could finally remember the notes to continue and finish the piece. It was a very noticeable mistake, because I paused trying to remember, and I wasn't sure exactly what to due. When I sat back down in my seat, I was fighting tears, but I had to sit through another hour and 15 minutes of the recital. And as I sat listening to the other pieces, it hit me. I had just failed, quite epically too, at something. And I almost laughed out loud. Of course it would be something I wasn't expecting. How else can I grow and learn? My next question to myself was how do I be okay with this? What does that even mean, or look like? My life hasn't changed. Granted, I haven't talked to my piano teacher yet (I will Monday!), but still. I had smoothies with two of my closest friends right after. Last night and today I hung out with people that I haven't hung out with in a really long time. And this morning, I got to babysit kids for two hours at my church. It was wonderful. Life goes on. My family and friends still love me. God still loves me. Am I still upset and disappointed in myself? Yes. Should I be? I haven't quite figured that out yet. But I know God wants me to learn from this. I definitely don't think it was just a coincidence. But I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past 24some hours, and this is what I've come up with so far.
My journey's not over yet...
"You're not alone. I'll listen 'til your tears give out. You're safe and sound. I swear that I won't let you down. What's hurting you, I, I feel it too. I mean it when I say, when you cry, I cry with you."
- Cry With You, Hunter Hayes